The Biggest Shake Up Yet.
Here’s a little mixtape I made, when words could not express myself, music could. Music is my escape. Hope you enjoy the funky, old school disco tunes - Gillham Radio | Episode 20
It’s been a month since I last updated you all, and that’s too long I know. I’ve been in hiding, But I’ve been in hiding for good reason. I’ve dealing with some issues behind closed doors. In advance, I thank you for respecting our privacy. This is one of the most, if not the most difficult posts I’ve had to make yet on the history of this blog, of my journey…
…Literally since December, my world has turned upside down, and recently I had the biggest shake up yet. I was hoping I could leave this part out of my journey, but I’d almost be lying to you, my readers, by not telling you this aspect of my journey. Also I feel people need to know this because it could happen to you, especially if you have this disease.
By no means am I blaming the disease, however, there is no doubt in my mind, if I had not had this disease, I would have the energy to fight harder for my relationship. The added stress on all parties involved, affects everyone. You can’t hide from Cancer and its repercussions or side effects. It’s in your face 24/7 and that is, to say the least, stressful. When under stress, we are all different and react in different ways. The added stress, has caused my marriage to fall apart. There is no sense hiding what’s happening, this is beyond my control, a decision not made by me. As much as I’d love to say from my own stand point & feelings that things will be better soon, but unfortunately my health has to be number one at the moment and my focus is my health.
Unfortunately, I can’t afford to have negativity in my life at the moment, I need to be as positive as possible, and regardless I am still finding positives. I mentioned to a friend today, the separation has enabled me to be more rested than I ever have. So far, I’ve had two full days slept away, because my body was that hungry for rest. That’s never happened before and perhaps because life is a lot busier when I am with my family, thus why I feel the separation is enabling me rest when I need it. I still get to see my kids whenever I want, but they no longer live with me. Which is hard, incredibly hard. I’m finding the separation harder to wrap my head around than, the disease itself. I can’t understand how someone could leave them, when now is when I need help the most. “For better or worse.”
As difficult as it is to be separated from my wife, and as much as I’d love to invest more in our relationship, I simply don’t have the energy. I look forward to the day that I am over this bump in the road, being the cancer, and I can invest the time my wife deserves. But for now we are on a break, and as I mentioned I would like all of my readers to respect our privacy on this matter. I am trusting you by sharing this. Please don’t be that person. There’s no need to gossip or make up stories. Our personal life is our business, not for gossip. So in advanced we thank you.
That said, this has been on the cards for a while, it should not be a shock to me. And this is the story I feel I need to share, it’s taken me by surprise that my brain can behave in such a way and I feel others who may be going through chemotherapy treatment can relate, and hopefulIy can raise awareness with my story.
My wife is still by my side, even though we are giving each other space at the moment, she still drove me to Chemotherapy round nine, which was two Wednesdays ago (31st). This is where I’ll tell you, I asked a friend who has survived cancer and been through chemotherapy, that it is true Chemo effects your memory. I think his words were… it’s burns a black hole in your brain. So rest assure, its not fun stuff. Anyway. Jumping around a bit here, but I text my brother in-law quite often and confide a lot of private information with him. Whilst we were on a Gillham family vacation, I had been texting him and made mention that my wife is moving downstairs on Wednesday. So there is proof, with our text messages I knew this was happening. So what is troublesome, and the whole reason I wanted to share with you, is so I raise your awareness, of this possibly happening to you.
After Chemotherapy, I’m usually in pretty rough shape. I can barely walk straight, and for whatever reason, I have trouble with my speech. Like literally have trouble putting words together or even make a sentence. So, round nine was no different to any other round. My wife picked me up from the hospital, and like every other round, I was a mess. When I got home I was ready to crash, and crash is what I did. We’re blessed that the hospital is only 10 mins from our home. But the problem with me is, especially with my meds, I have the tendency to crash where ever. This time happened to be on my man cave sofa (in the garage). I didn’t plan to crash, but the pillow felt so comfy and such a relief to stretch my legs out. A few hours later I woke from my little afternoon nap.
I made my way back into the house. I look around and the apartment felt hollow. All our kids furniture (whilst I was at the hospital) had been moved away. I was gutted. I was in complete shock, as if I had no idea this was going to happen. I was shattered. Of course, confiding in my brother inlaw I tell him what had happened. He questioned me, you mean to tell me you had no idea this was happening. My response was no. To which he replied with a screen shot of a previous conversation we had of me telling him this was going to happen whilst I was in hospital. I don’t know how this happened and I can only point my finger at the Chemotherapy, or the medication I am on. I genuinely was shocked and felt I had no idea about the move. Yet, there was proof I knew. So my point being is, I want other patients or families of patients, that this potent stuff is really messing with my memory, and it could happen to you.
Of course I didn’t trust myself, so I asked my wife. Did we discuss this was going to happen today. And she backed up what my brother in-law had made evident to me. I was 1) in shock my family had moved out. 2) I was beside myself that my had memory failed me. So this really rattled me in multiple ways, and without a shoulder to lean on, took some time to get over.
With the help of some friends, and my brother Luke, I’m getting my head wrapped around the separation. It’s done now, and there is no undo-ing things in the foreseeable future, as much as I’d love for our family to be together. My wife & I equal, working as a team, caring for our kids, nurturing them with all of our love, growing up with their mother & father by their side. My biological dad passed away when I was 3, I grew up without a dad. And by no means do I want my kids growing up without their dad.
My wife has said I can see the kids whenever I want, and that is what I intend on doing. So you’ll continue to see photos of us as a family, yet we live separately. If I am welcome on family vacations / functions, I will be there. If I am healthy enough to watch them play sports, I’ll be there. My kids are my world, and one of my main drives to fight this cancer so hard is my kids. They inspire me to fight, they inspire me to be a better person. I want to be involved in their lives so that they can witness a good role model. Their dad.
My wife has also assured me she’ll still be by my side for my battle. Taking me to appointments, caring for me, getting meds when I need them etc. We’re aiming to work through this separation civilly and it is my hope, the separation is only temporary. We’ve been through so much together and I by no means am giving up on our relationship. Hopefully time is a healer.
So as I navigate through this part of my journey alone, I now have more drive than ever to fight.. I won’t let my personal life affect my fight, I now have more drive than ever to fight and be immersed in positive vibes.
I am sorry for the delayed update, but I am sure you can understand the difficulty. Furthermore, it wasn’t easy to write about such a personal aspect of my journey. Please don’t dwell on the negative aspects of this post, focus on positive road ahead.