So today is Saturday, every Saturday our three year old daughter has Gymnastics….
And every Saturday, if I didn’t have other commitments (work) I used to watch her do her thing at Gymnastics (she’s been doing since she was two).
Now that I am sick, I haven’t been able to see her anywhere near as often as I would like, and the last time I went, I had other priorities on my mind… like hunting with the boys. So I only caught maybe ten minutes the last time I went, not thinking, taking the time I may have with my daughter for granted.
Yesterday, Friday, I had a great day health-wise, so I was out gallivanting everywhere. Got up early, took my daughter to daycare, ran errands...Had a day where I actually felt like I achieved things.. I even found the energy to hang out with some great friends of mine.. And had a great time! Which, often what happens when you hang out with great friends 😜
Anyway it seems when I have good day health-wise I might be overdoing it, because this morning when I woke up I felt like a bag of shit. Like, I could not get out of bed. Normally this wouldn’t be that bad, I’ve accepted I’m sick. But this particular morning I was looking forward to watching my daughter at Gymnastics. I felt almost normal Friday, and so Saturday, I was hoping for the same.. I had the alarm set early for gymnastics, but the Chemo side effects or Cancer bastards threw a curve ball at me. Which upset me. A lot.
Instead of watching my daughters Gymnastics this morning, I laid in pain and tears (man tears) on the bathroom floor...Upset that I could not achieve the simplest things. I was frustrated with myself and the situation. Now, I have no shame to admit that I was crying. However I tend to wonder whether this Chemo is affecting my emotions, it’s seemed to of frigged with everything else. Anyway, I digress…
I was pretty upset this morning. Whether be the frustration of not being able to do things easily or the realization that I need to be spending more time with my kids or the feeling I had let my wife & daughter down because I was missing the gymnastics. I’m not particularly sure why I was crying, but knew I wasn’t upset over one particular thing. I think it was an accumulation of things, and the gymnastics just tipped me over. The bathroom floor was cold, so I soon moved on, in search of a hoody.
I then remembered, a dear mate of mine back in Aus had sent me a care package, with a hoodie in it… The hoodie has a boxing or fighting kangaroo on the front & back… my mate also included card, part of which read “...Here’s a bit of Aussie fighting spirit for when your tank is running a bit low….” and I remembered that, while I was searching for this hoodie… I found the hoody, looked at that person in the mirror with the tears in his eyes, I said to him “ Stop being a pussy.” And thought to myself I’m not going to let this bother me, and ruin my day. I’m going to enjoy my day, and play with my kids. And that’s exactly what we did.
We played outside in the snow all afternoon, we had a great time sliding. I’m no Toboggan track
Engineer, but I’m trying. Trying to build a wicked trail for my family to slide down, in all this snow we have.
So yeah a rollercoaster of emotions, the lows might be dramatized by this chemo, so might the highs, but I’m trying to deal with it, overcome it. It’s ok to cry, but I’m not going to dwell on things, that dwelling can very easily spiral into something a lot worse, full of negativity. Which is exactly what we don’t want. Negativity. We don’t want that here, we want positive. So no dwelling on whatever is causing the man tears, and focusing on how can I can improve this situation or, make the best of a situation. Positive thoughts, enjoying one day at a time! 💪